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Love.. Two years later..

It has been two years since I wrote here. I have been actually just using my note feature on my phone to write down my endless thoughts and experiences. It has been easier that way for me as I can just type away with no filter or hesitation. I probably will publish them one day. Who knows? Haha.. I thought about my blog today. So here I am..

I have been with the same man for the last three years. Lately, our journey together has been up and down. I don’t want to believe that but I think it is true. My feelings are still the same, but there are a lot of things that are affecting our relationship. I don’t know if he will agree with me. We have many similarities which amaze me, but we also disagree on some subjects. This is probably the wrong time for me to be writing here as I have been feeling neutral and less enthusiastic about relationship in general. We had a disagreement about a week and a half ago. We haven’t talked ever since. We planned to celebrate his birthday tomorrow, Saturday, but I have been comtemplating about reaching out to him to make it happen. I don’t want to ruin his birthday or neglect him. I gave a speech before to him how our birthdays are special and important to me regardless of our state of emotion. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but the situation a week and a half ago brought me a different feeling. It gave me a sour taste in my mouth.

Since I was not working for the past four months, I had plenty of time to self-reflect and think about a lot of things. It has been an awakening period for me about a lot of things such as people in general, my family history, my relationship history, my life experiences, the reasons why I am a certain way, how my perspective on relationships have evolved over time, how a good relationship looks like, etc. I also realized that I am awesome in all areas of my life. It is funny to hear it, but I have to own that. Women like me don’t settle for anything less. If you have been single for a while now, remember that you are special. We have principles and standards. We are nice and understanding. However, we have limits and self-respect. We know our worth. If you are unemployed or just lost your job, remember that you are awesome and valuable. Something better and bigger will come your way.

Life is a journey. We have to embrace all the ups and downs that come with it. I’m embracing mine and reminding myself I will have to go through lots of it in the future. We have to hold tight and keep believing.

With my relationship, I have decided from the beginning that I will hold on to this one. On my previous blog entries, I wrote that kissing him felt like a “homecoming.” He felt like my twinflame (not sure if I have used that term here before). I still do, but a lot of outside forces are getting in the way and having an impact on our relationship. I see that, but of course, he doesn’t see that. I am more spiritually inclined than him so I see a lot of things beyond of what it is. Anyhow, his birthday is on Tuesday, but we talked about celebrating it on Saturday which is tomorrow. His mother will be visiting this Sunday. She will be staying with him for a week. He knows I am mad at him. I know he has been busy this week moving. The old me will reach out to him. The old me will do what is politically correct. I don’t know right now. Perhaps I’m confused with my emotions about everything that has happened in the past months- my job, this awakening period, etc. The question still remains– Should I reach out to him first since it is his birthday, or let him reach out to me first? If he doesn’t, now what?..

Posted on by Orchid

Mid October love..

This was written way back in October last year and I never published it. A lot has happened since then, and I will write about it next time. So here it goes…

I just recently turned a year older weeks ago on October 18. I planned to celebrate my birthday in Paris just like last year, but because I met someone and planning a trip was not easy, I changed my plan. I decided to have a simple birthday in my city. I usually just like having a simple nice dinner with someone dear to me or close friends. I am not fond of having a big party with a lot of people (and then I’ll be asked about my age, hehe).

My last blog talked about this man I went out on a date with right before I went to Paris this year. We went out again when I came back from my trip. We went to my favorite Italian restaurant in Glendale. I arrived, and he had already ordered an appetizer and his drink. It was his pattern to order food while waiting for me. Perhaps I should be on time next time. Our conversations were great. He seems like an easy-going-man. He is a Gemini of course, which goes well with my moon sign. We ended our dinner, and he asked me to drive him to his office in Glendale. He has his law office firm in Beverly Hills and Glendale. As I was dropping him off, he asked me to park in the parking.  He leaned for a kiss. Did I want to kiss him? Not exactly as I could not feel that desire in me. I let him kiss me to see if there would be any spark that I just missed. There was nothing. I did not even try harder to find out. I just know. It was like kissing a stranger, a wall, etc. He was not a bad kisser, but I was looking for a magical first kiss which something I never had before. It doesn’t mean all my first kiss was magical. However, I was looking for something different and special this time. I was not desperate just to date someone, or to just go with a flow with someone, or just have a man I call my boyfriend, and call it good. I wanted to find the right kiss, the right man.. I wanted a magical moment with a special man who would sweep me off my feet. I wanted passion. I wanted to fall in love hard. I did not see him again.

Two weeks later, my cousin asked me to join him and our other second cousins to have drinks. I asked my good friend to go out as well. The last time I saw her was about a year ago, when we met this man I discussed above. It took him about a year to ask me out. Anyhow, in August, I met this wonderful young man at this bar where we were waiting for my cousins to join us. The first time I laid my eyes on him, I was already interested. He looks very familiar as if I have seen him before. It was a long story, but we ended up kissing that night. I said no to his question, “can I kiss you?” He insisted, and we kissed. And that was that. It was not like kissing a stranger, or a wall. There was passion. We have been going out ever since.

I decided to celebrate my birthday with him. I celebrated it with my friends early on, and will be celebrating it again this week with few friends (late celebration). I’m debating whether to invite him to meet my other group of friends, but it might be too early on in this relationship. I’m not even sure if we are a couple yet. I have been seeing him for seven weeks now.

He took me for a late dinner and dancing. It was a perfect night as I was really feeling free, and also vulnerable (probably from the alcohol). I remember everything. I remember dancing sensually, touching his face and arms constantly, and kissing for almost an hour on the dance floor like we were in our own world. I remember that moment clearly. The place was playing house music. I can still feel his lips and tongue, and everything in between. I was not thinking of anything, but feeling at ease with my hands around his neck, his hands moving from my head, my neck, to my back, and comfortably feeling his tongue and soft lips. The music was almost muted to me. We had our own music. We slowly stopped kissing, but we continued to embrace each other as we danced very slowly to our own music. It was the most magical kiss I have ever had. We both never kissed in public. I said this a month ago to myself, “kissing him is like a homecoming.” As I said it to myself, in my mind, at his place, he told me “I think you’re my soulmate.” It was because we matched well in terms of passion and how we kissed each other. I’m glad he said that. I did not say that it feels like homecoming to me when we kiss, but “homecoming” translates to “soulmate” as well.  Until that night on my birthday, I said it to him, and he smiled. I think it was obvious in our kiss how we like each other. I also remember hugging him tightly numerous times that night, and it felt different. It was like holding someone you really know for a long time, someone who belongs to you, someone who has a healing effect on you, someone you really trust. I’m not sure if I was able to describe the feeling correctly here, but I don’t think I have ever felt that way with anyone before. A hug is a hug, but that was before I met him. It felt like I belong in his arms, and I could hold him forever.

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Spring and Summer..

It is officially the fall season. The last time I wrote was in Spring. Needless to say, I have neglected my blog because I was just too busy with work, not even my dating life which became nonexistence for a while since I got my promotion, until recently.  Before I share where I’m exactly in my journey to finding true love, possibly in mid October, allow me to provide my experiences and what took place since Spring or since my last entry.

In May, I made the decision to listen to my supervisors and finally apply for a higher position at work. I also spent that month just focusing on my job and taking on most interviews scheduled from this job fair. It was like a project we had for a month which I did not enjoy.  In June, I started my new position. I ended up having triple work to do due to vacancies which I am still experiencing now. Due to work stress, I also decided to go back to Paris with my colleague. She invited me to go with her to Paris and Antwerp, and I said yes, of course. Our supervisors were probably not agreeing with us going out on vacation together, but our vacation requests were approved.

I booked my flight 2-3 weeks before my trip (last minute as always).  My colleague was leaving the night before the Fourth of July, and I was leaving the day after.  Amidst my never-ending workload and packing, I decided to go out on a date days before my departure to Paris.  This man I met in downtown Los Angeles last year, in July, about a year ago, texted me asking to have drinks with me to catch up.  The fact that it was after about a year, and he still remembered me was flattering.  He said he was traveling last year and was busy with work.  I never asked why after a year.  I remembered he was asking me to have dinner, but I didn’t respond or didn’t take it seriously.  Possibly, I was not interested at that time as I was busy making plans for my Europe trip in July.  We went to Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills.

We met on a weeknight right after work.  He was kind, respectful, and funny.  He works at his own firm in Los Angeles. I had a great time.  I suspected he was older, but I didn’t ask him.  He asked what I was looking for, or what are the most important qualities I’m looking for in a man.  I didn’t want to give him my long lists, and I was not expecting that question.  I remember saying that everyone can be nice when they want to, but the most important factor for me was the person’s maturity and ability to resolve any issues or conflict in the relationship and willingness to make it work.  I added that I prefer a man who knows to admit his mistakes and learn from it, rather than letting their ego take over him.  I explained further and used scenarios, etc.  He said it was the best answer he had so far.  It was my honest answer.  He wanted to get together again after my vacation.  Could he be the one for me?  He seems mature and grounded.  He also had bought a house (in renovation) in my city, about 5 minutes away from my place.  Could that be a sign?..

Posted on by Orchid

April Love Status…

It is Saturday night, and I’m home.  I was invited to go out for a hookah by this Jewish man who has fear to fall in love with me or to get serious with me because I’m not Jewish and he needs to be with a Jewish woman.  I ended up not making to the place which I think was for the best.  I did want to see him since he would be leaving this week to Israel to visit his family.  I knew him from last year, and we stayed in contact through social media.  

What happened to the man in Paris?  I did go to Paris in October last year.  It was wonderful.  He was busy with work for the most part, but I met new friends there and he did his best to make time for me.  It is a long story and I need to write a separate entry for that.  We did continue the communication by text messages and video calls for about four months, then there were two weeks of no contact this March.  I was testing him, and I also got busy.  He did text me first, saying I had forgotten about him.  He said he got busy too as he was in the process of changing his career or business.  It has been two weeks since then and we are starting to talk again, but not as often as we would before.  I think I kind of have taken a step back too.  It could have been the mercury retrograde, or the fact that long-distance relationship (I’m not even sure if this is a long distance relationship or if he even refers to me as his girlfriend) is difficult.  

I remember that morning when he drove me to Charles de Gaulle airport, I was trying not to shed a tear, but I was sad to leave him.  I finally shed tears in the plane before we took off.  I remember I texted him, “I’m really sad leaving.. I really came to see you and spend time with you.. not for Paris..”  He responded that he missed me already and enjoyed spending time with me.  “Je suis vraiment habitué avec toi,” which means he got used to me.  I felt the same way.  I stayed with this man for nine days.  Although, I was alone most of the time during the day, strolling on the streets of Paris, I will never forget those times I was with him– watching him have his simple French breakfast before he leaves for work, listening to his French carefully as I was learning the language, having dinner with him, sitting in his car as he plays Berber music on our way to the city of Deauville (that two days he did not work) in the Normandy region, and walking around La Tour Eiffel or the Eiffel Tower with him.  

I had a plan to go back to Paris in March for a week.  He knew I had time off in March.  I tried to make a plan with him to go to Dubai or Algeria instead of staying in Paris.  He tried to find someone to take care of his business, but he was not able to find anyone.  I was disappointed and thought he did not care to see me.  That was in January.  My ex-boyfriend got in the picture, and that was how I started to text him less often, less communication.  I was also testing him, like I said, to see if he would be reaching out first, and he did, just in time when I was realizing my ex-boyfriend would always stay the same and would always have a problem owning his own mistakes and making things right.  I realized then that this Paris man could be sincere with his feelings for me.  He explained that his new career would give him more free time to do things such as traveling with me and spending more time with me in Paris.  That was very sweet of him to say that.  He is very open to express his feelings which I’m not used to.  Perhaps I have not had any boyfriends in the past ten years who are just very kind with words and open.  But then again, I’m not sure if we have a future together, or if he is seeing other women in Paris.  When I talked about him with my friends, they were not supportive of our long distance relationship and for the difference with religion as well.  That is another long story.  

Currently, I consider myself single, and I am fine with that.  I cherished and am appreciative of all the memories I created with my ex-boyfriend, the Paris man, and all other men I have dated.  I also enjoyed knowing the Jewish man but will only remain friends with him.  In the past two weeks, I have been thinking about love and marriage.  They are both complicated subjects.  I have also been reading a lot of spiritual materials.  I started years ago actually, but I have been listening more often now to spiritual talk and teachers.  With that said, I think I’m starting to just go with the flow of where life is taking me.  I do not want to feel the pressure that I need to be married soon, and of course, I need to find “the one” first.  

My plan is just to enjoy life, live in the moment, cherish the people in my life, stay positive, and stay optimistic about love.  Although as a Libra, the hardest part is staying single, I believe the past two years have really taught me how to stand on my ground and live my life, with or without a man.  I also believe in astrology, and I strongly feel that this month of April, with the new moon in Aries and full moon in Libra, is a new beginning for me as it opens up a lot of positive energy and wonderful possibilities.  April will surely be interesting.  We shall see..

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My first entry.. My Paris plan..

My vacation has been approved.  Because I took about two weeks of vacation just at the end of July up to the first week of August, I was worried that my work would say something about the vacation I requested for this October.  I rarely take a vacation and my work surely is aware of that.  I have so much vacation hours accrued that I always have to monitor my accumulated hours before I stopped accruing.  This always pushes me to take a long vacation, which means out-of-town, or out-of-the-country vacation.  Yes, I know it is kinda odd to go back to Europe, to the same city, after I just got back from a 12-day vacation (Iceland, Spain, France), but I just have to go back soon to Paris.  Why?  I will share that later.  

So as soon as I got my vacation approval, I spent the entire week last week searching for the best flights possible.  I need to get to Paris after 8 o’clock in the evening on a Friday, and I want a layover somewhere where I have never been.  After many sleepless nights spent on searching for flights, I’ve decided to go with Madrid overnight layover on my way back to Los Angeles.  I selected the London layover, to Paris, so I could explore the famous Heathrow Airport (I have been in London but never at the Heathrow Airport).  I had other good layover options to Paris, but I figured I should have a good rest so I would look fresh when I arrive in Paris.  I booked it two days ago, finally.  I texted my closest friends, who knew about my crazy idea to go back to Paris when I was just there in August, about my flight itinerary.  I was also relieved that I finally booked it, and I could now focus on other things such as events to attend in Paris, and restaurants/bars to try, etc.  

This morning, I received an email saying my reservation has been cancelled and I would be getting a credit back on my card.  My jaw just dropped.  I talked to the site specialist and I was told the flight I wanted wasn’t available anymore.  I searched different travel sites, and I couldn’t find the same flight I booked.  Needless to say, I have to start all over again.  I started thinking it might be a sign that I shouldn’t go at all.  My heart is saying I should go.  Perhaps it’s a sign that the flight wasn’t for me, and that I would find better flights with better time and layover.  I hope so.  I remember being excited when I got my vacation approved.  I was all excited that I was finally free to book my trip without any doubt that my vacation would actually happen.  Right now, I’m still excited, but I just want to move forward to planning for the rest of my vacation and also packing.  

So why am I going to Paris when I was just there in early August of this year?  During my recent vacation in July/August, we went to Reykjavik, Ibiza, San Sebastian, Bordeaux, and then our last stop, Paris.  Well, when I decided to part ways with my friend on our first night in Paris (with only 2 days/nights in Paris on our itinerary), and when I decided on that last day of our trip to explore Paris by myself, I met this man.  You see, I have been in Europe three times in the past.  This trip I would say was the interesting one as there were many unexpected incidents and negative emotions involved.  It was not a smooth vacation (I will probably elaborate more on this later, maybe in a month).  I have learned a lot from my experience on my recent trip, don’t get me wrong, but it got to the point that I was regretting going at all.  I wanted to go back home asap.  It was that unpleasant, but I think I did well in really putting efforts to soothe myself by staying positive, staying at the moment, counting my blessings, and being grateful.  

I believe that how I managed the situation led me to meeting this wonderful man.  Now, when I talk about or think of my recent trip, I can’t help it but smile.  Meeting him made my vacation even more interesting.  All the things that went wrong in that trip brought me to him, and I no longer have any regrets.  I was exploring the City of Love at a slower pace, with really no plan in mind where to go next, but just trying to enjoy the time I had left and taking my time that last night, and there he was.  I don’t know if its the right decision or something good will come out of this, but my heart is definitely saying to take a chance, get to know this man, and go to Paris.  Maybe, we can find love while traveling or while we are on vacation?  So, for the next two nights, I will be spending hours online searching for the best flights with best layovers so I can take a chance on love..

Posted on by Orchid

The Journey Begins..

I have been contemplating about writing on my experience relating with finding my one and only.  With work schedule and responsibilities, I have been procrastinating on it.  Tonight, I’ve decided to just go for it.  Currently, of course, I am single, residing nearby Los Angeles, where I work.  I had few serious relationships in the past, ranging from 3 years to 7 years.  Yes, I always have long term relationships.  With that said, I don’t think I have dated much compared to other women I know around my age.  Since my 7-year relationship ended (my longest relationship), I’ve always been motivated to find my true love.  That was 6 years ago… and because the universe continue to want me to be patient and to learn more about myself, love, and life, I thought I should just put my thoughts together and share with you my delicious journey to finding my true love.