Posted on by Orchid

Love.. Two years later..

It has been two years since I wrote here. I have been actually just using my note feature on my phone to write down my endless thoughts and experiences. It has been easier that way for me as I can just type away with no filter or hesitation. I probably will publish them one day. Who knows? Haha.. I thought about my blog today. So here I am..

I have been with the same man for the last three years. Lately, our journey together has been up and down. I don’t want to believe that but I think it is true. My feelings are still the same, but there are a lot of things that are affecting our relationship. I don’t know if he will agree with me. We have many similarities which amaze me, but we also disagree on some subjects. This is probably the wrong time for me to be writing here as I have been feeling neutral and less enthusiastic about relationship in general. We had a disagreement about a week and a half ago. We haven’t talked ever since. We planned to celebrate his birthday tomorrow, Saturday, but I have been comtemplating about reaching out to him to make it happen. I don’t want to ruin his birthday or neglect him. I gave a speech before to him how our birthdays are special and important to me regardless of our state of emotion. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but the situation a week and a half ago brought me a different feeling. It gave me a sour taste in my mouth.

Since I was not working for the past four months, I had plenty of time to self-reflect and think about a lot of things. It has been an awakening period for me about a lot of things such as people in general, my family history, my relationship history, my life experiences, the reasons why I am a certain way, how my perspective on relationships have evolved over time, how a good relationship looks like, etc. I also realized that I am awesome in all areas of my life. It is funny to hear it, but I have to own that. Women like me don’t settle for anything less. If you have been single for a while now, remember that you are special. We have principles and standards. We are nice and understanding. However, we have limits and self-respect. We know our worth. If you are unemployed or just lost your job, remember that you are awesome and valuable. Something better and bigger will come your way.

Life is a journey. We have to embrace all the ups and downs that come with it. I’m embracing mine and reminding myself I will have to go through lots of it in the future. We have to hold tight and keep believing.

With my relationship, I have decided from the beginning that I will hold on to this one. On my previous blog entries, I wrote that kissing him felt like a “homecoming.” He felt like my twinflame (not sure if I have used that term here before). I still do, but a lot of outside forces are getting in the way and having an impact on our relationship. I see that, but of course, he doesn’t see that. I am more spiritually inclined than him so I see a lot of things beyond of what it is. Anyhow, his birthday is on Tuesday, but we talked about celebrating it on Saturday which is tomorrow. His mother will be visiting this Sunday. She will be staying with him for a week. He knows I am mad at him. I know he has been busy this week moving. The old me will reach out to him. The old me will do what is politically correct. I don’t know right now. Perhaps I’m confused with my emotions about everything that has happened in the past months- my job, this awakening period, etc. The question still remains– Should I reach out to him first since it is his birthday, or let him reach out to me first? If he doesn’t, now what?..

Posted on by Orchid

Only love…

It is about past 1 o’clock in the morning, and I’m in bed. I think I would like to get a tattoo that says “only love.”  No matter what everyone says, what most believe in, love is all there is. Love is what we all secretly yearn for, but afraid to admit it. At the end, we all want to be loved. In my case, I’m most happiest when I’m in love with someone who loves me back 150%, because then I can give love. I don’t just want to be loved, but I also would like to shower my perfect partner with love. I’ll be happiest when I can fully love someone, which means I can fully give love to someone who deserves my love and who truly loves me back and shows it through his action. Love has no boundaries. I don’t know if I have fallen deeply in love with someone yet, maybe I have, but I have forgotten, or maybe not yet.

Love has so many layers, that I’m still learning what it is, and yet, I can feel how amazing it is to grow old with someone who does not criticize you, who truly adores, cares, and loves you for who you are, who can really see you as you, who accepts and embraces all your imperfections, who understands your frustrations and mood fluctuations, who gets you, who does not hurt you because hurting you also is hurting himself, who stands by your side and protects you, and who is always willing to make you happy and to make things work no matter what life brings. It’ll be amazing to be with that kind of a best friend and a lover for life, and enjoy all seasons of each year with each other until you are both ready to leave the life you created behind and go home to the universe, or wherever we came from.

That feeling of true love, satisfaction, ease, joy, bliss.. knowing you found your true soulmate and he found you is the best part of life I believe. It doesn’t matter where you live, where you are, how much money you have, but knowing that you are truly loved and you are capable of giving true love back is the greatest feeling of all. Money can’t buy true love. I know I’m close to experiencing and living that. I know it will be really amazing, and my heart will be over joy in every waking moment of my life when it happens. The divine selection for me, where ever he is, will soon come to a realization that I am his destiny, and I will see in his eyes that he is real, has awakened to be a devoted man, and is my destiny. And I give thanks for him, and for my happily ever after, my only love…

Posted on by Orchid

Spring and Summer..

It is officially the fall season. The last time I wrote was in Spring. Needless to say, I have neglected my blog because I was just too busy with work, not even my dating life which became nonexistence for a while since I got my promotion, until recently.  Before I share where I’m exactly in my journey to finding true love, possibly in mid October, allow me to provide my experiences and what took place since Spring or since my last entry.

In May, I made the decision to listen to my supervisors and finally apply for a higher position at work. I also spent that month just focusing on my job and taking on most interviews scheduled from this job fair. It was like a project we had for a month which I did not enjoy.  In June, I started my new position. I ended up having triple work to do due to vacancies which I am still experiencing now. Due to work stress, I also decided to go back to Paris with my colleague. She invited me to go with her to Paris and Antwerp, and I said yes, of course. Our supervisors were probably not agreeing with us going out on vacation together, but our vacation requests were approved.

I booked my flight 2-3 weeks before my trip (last minute as always).  My colleague was leaving the night before the Fourth of July, and I was leaving the day after.  Amidst my never-ending workload and packing, I decided to go out on a date days before my departure to Paris.  This man I met in downtown Los Angeles last year, in July, about a year ago, texted me asking to have drinks with me to catch up.  The fact that it was after about a year, and he still remembered me was flattering.  He said he was traveling last year and was busy with work.  I never asked why after a year.  I remembered he was asking me to have dinner, but I didn’t respond or didn’t take it seriously.  Possibly, I was not interested at that time as I was busy making plans for my Europe trip in July.  We went to Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills.

We met on a weeknight right after work.  He was kind, respectful, and funny.  He works at his own firm in Los Angeles. I had a great time.  I suspected he was older, but I didn’t ask him.  He asked what I was looking for, or what are the most important qualities I’m looking for in a man.  I didn’t want to give him my long lists, and I was not expecting that question.  I remember saying that everyone can be nice when they want to, but the most important factor for me was the person’s maturity and ability to resolve any issues or conflict in the relationship and willingness to make it work.  I added that I prefer a man who knows to admit his mistakes and learn from it, rather than letting their ego take over him.  I explained further and used scenarios, etc.  He said it was the best answer he had so far.  It was my honest answer.  He wanted to get together again after my vacation.  Could he be the one for me?  He seems mature and grounded.  He also had bought a house (in renovation) in my city, about 5 minutes away from my place.  Could that be a sign?..