It has been two years since I wrote here. I have been actually just using my note feature on my phone to write down my endless thoughts and experiences. It has been easier that way for me as I can just type away with no filter or hesitation. I probably will publish them one day. Who knows? Haha.. I thought about my blog today. So here I am..

I have been with the same man for the last three years. Lately, our journey together has been up and down. I don’t want to believe that but I think it is true. My feelings are still the same, but there are a lot of things that are affecting our relationship. I don’t know if he will agree with me. We have many similarities which amaze me, but we also disagree on some subjects. This is probably the wrong time for me to be writing here as I have been feeling neutral and less enthusiastic about relationship in general. We had a disagreement about a week and a half ago. We haven’t talked ever since. We planned to celebrate his birthday tomorrow, Saturday, but I have been comtemplating about reaching out to him to make it happen. I don’t want to ruin his birthday or neglect him. I gave a speech before to him how our birthdays are special and important to me regardless of our state of emotion. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but the situation a week and a half ago brought me a different feeling. It gave me a sour taste in my mouth.

Since I was not working for the past four months, I had plenty of time to self-reflect and think about a lot of things. It has been an awakening period for me about a lot of things such as people in general, my family history, my relationship history, my life experiences, the reasons why I am a certain way, how my perspective on relationships have evolved over time, how a good relationship looks like, etc. I also realized that I am awesome in all areas of my life. It is funny to hear it, but I have to own that. Women like me don’t settle for anything less. If you have been single for a while now, remember that you are special. We have principles and standards. We are nice and understanding. However, we have limits and self-respect. We know our worth. If you are unemployed or just lost your job, remember that you are awesome and valuable. Something better and bigger will come your way.

Life is a journey. We have to embrace all the ups and downs that come with it. I’m embracing mine and reminding myself I will have to go through lots of it in the future. We have to hold tight and keep believing.

With my relationship, I have decided from the beginning that I will hold on to this one. On my previous blog entries, I wrote that kissing him felt like a “homecoming.” He felt like my twinflame (not sure if I have used that term here before). I still do, but a lot of outside forces are getting in the way and having an impact on our relationship. I see that, but of course, he doesn’t see that. I am more spiritually inclined than him so I see a lot of things beyond of what it is. Anyhow, his birthday is on Tuesday, but we talked about celebrating it on Saturday which is tomorrow. His mother will be visiting this Sunday. She will be staying with him for a week. He knows I am mad at him. I know he has been busy this week moving. The old me will reach out to him. The old me will do what is politically correct. I don’t know right now. Perhaps I’m confused with my emotions about everything that has happened in the past months- my job, this awakening period, etc. The question still remains– Should I reach out to him first since it is his birthday, or let him reach out to me first? If he doesn’t, now what?..